They live in my house, but they're not my kids. They are owned by the State of Texas.
My wife and I are 'Professional Parents.' The state hires us to raise their kids.
We wanted a second or third grader. You know...young, cute, malleable, easy, sweet. We wanted a child without parents, a true orphan. Instead they gave us a really angry thirteen year old on heavy medication with a psycho-mother.
And we fell in love.
When a child first comes into your house, you have a couple of days to make sure its a fit. We knew almost immediately when this young lady entered our house that it was a fit. It was like we took one sniff and recognized that this was one of our own children who had been lost to us at birth. Maybe it was just because she was our first. We've never had this experience with any of the other young ladies that have come into our home.
We always come to love the kids in our home. We knew we would. It's just how we're built.
She's been with us for three years and will probably be with us until she graduates high school. Other young ladies have come and gone. Some for short periods, some for long. Some successful - in college. Some failures - handcuffs.
Right now, we have a young lady preparing to graduate high school and go on to college as well as our sixteen year old.
When you take a young person into your house as foster parents, they come with a lot of baggage. And not just the suit case and boxes and bags of stuff. Our lives are filled with judges and lawyers and case managers and case workers and therapists and mothers and siblings. We are inspected twice a month by the state to see that their children are all right. We get inspected by our case manager quarterly to make sure we are conforming to the law. We see two judges at least twice a year. They each visit their mothers semi-regularly. They both see a therapist at least twice a month. It can be a regular three ring circus.
And then there's the medications. Many places that take these kids use medication to control their behavior. Some need it. Many don't. And there's no one to help you figure it out.
It is the best thing we have ever done.
Showing posts with label ahimsa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ahimsa. Show all posts
20 April 2011
28 March 2011
Neighbors as Ourselves
"In this Ashram, we make it a rule that we must say 'No' when we mean 'No', regardless of consequences." - Speech on 'Ashram Vows' at the YMCA, Madras, Indian Review, February 1916, The Hindu, 16 Feb. 1916 (from The Essential Writings of Mahatma Gandhi edited by Raghavan Iyer)
My efforts at lobbying in support of the abused, neglected, and orphaned children in the state of Texas continued this morning.
After my disappointing and disheartening trip to the State Capitol last week, to talk to my local representative about the upcoming budget for these children, I wrote an email to the representative describing my position and my experience in her office. A return email from a staffer requested my telephone number so that she could speak with me about my experience and about the representatives support for the children of the state. I sent my number, but included that there was no need to call. That I did in fact understand what role the representative played in writing budgets and that the representative could still count on my support (which she can. Her opponents have made this state last among states in spending for children.)
She called this morning. I was polite. I was understanding. I was respectful. I'm afraid that what I was not was truthful. I'm afraid I let politeness smother the truth as I understand it.
What my representative agreed to in the budget will be a greater hardship for the children already suffering trauma.
I know that there are people in the world who would see the 'hardship' of my state as a huge step forward for their children. Their children lack food and clean water and shelter. Their lives are torn apart by disease and war.
I cannot reconcile these two worlds. I wish I could.
What I can do is speak for those being injured in my neighborhood.
But I must learn to lovingly speak the harsh truth and not hide the truth behind a curtain of politeness.
My efforts at lobbying in support of the abused, neglected, and orphaned children in the state of Texas continued this morning.
After my disappointing and disheartening trip to the State Capitol last week, to talk to my local representative about the upcoming budget for these children, I wrote an email to the representative describing my position and my experience in her office. A return email from a staffer requested my telephone number so that she could speak with me about my experience and about the representatives support for the children of the state. I sent my number, but included that there was no need to call. That I did in fact understand what role the representative played in writing budgets and that the representative could still count on my support (which she can. Her opponents have made this state last among states in spending for children.)
She called this morning. I was polite. I was understanding. I was respectful. I'm afraid that what I was not was truthful. I'm afraid I let politeness smother the truth as I understand it.
What my representative agreed to in the budget will be a greater hardship for the children already suffering trauma.
I know that there are people in the world who would see the 'hardship' of my state as a huge step forward for their children. Their children lack food and clean water and shelter. Their lives are torn apart by disease and war.
I cannot reconcile these two worlds. I wish I could.
What I can do is speak for those being injured in my neighborhood.
But I must learn to lovingly speak the harsh truth and not hide the truth behind a curtain of politeness.
26 March 2011
"The End of the World as We Know It"
"I hold that he who invented the atom bomb has committed the gravest sin in the world of science. The only weapon that can save the world is non-violence. Considering the trend of the world, I might appear a fool to everyone; but I do not feel sorry for it. I rather consider it a great blessing that God did not make me capable of inventing the atom bomb." - Talk with Englishmen (G.), Biharni Komi Agman, pp. 253-4 (from The Essential Writings of Mahatma Gandhi edited by Raghavan Iyer)
I am not capable of inventing the atom bomb. I am, however, capable of loading an atom bomb on an airplane, strapping in the pilots, starting the engines, and taxiing the plane out of the bunker it was stored in, and I have done just that.
The birth of my biological daughter and son were paid for because I could do that. My home loan was cheaper and my loan was guaranteed because I could do that. My health insurance is paid for because I could do that. I can be buried in a hero's grave because I did that.
I have practiced the end of the world, many, many times.
At the time, I thought my motives were good. I was not a patriot protecting my country, I was a husband supporting his family.
I didn't think I had any other options at the time, and I am not ashamed that I made that choice.
But the sin is a heavy weight.
A heavy weight that has opened my eyes to what I believe to be the true path; non-violence.
I am not capable of inventing the atom bomb. I am, however, capable of loading an atom bomb on an airplane, strapping in the pilots, starting the engines, and taxiing the plane out of the bunker it was stored in, and I have done just that.
The birth of my biological daughter and son were paid for because I could do that. My home loan was cheaper and my loan was guaranteed because I could do that. My health insurance is paid for because I could do that. I can be buried in a hero's grave because I did that.
I have practiced the end of the world, many, many times.
At the time, I thought my motives were good. I was not a patriot protecting my country, I was a husband supporting his family.
I didn't think I had any other options at the time, and I am not ashamed that I made that choice.
But the sin is a heavy weight.
A heavy weight that has opened my eyes to what I believe to be the true path; non-violence.
23 March 2011
Right Here, Right Now
"Our non-violence has to begin at home with our children, elders, neighbours, and friends." - Fragment of a Letter to Abdul Ghaffar Khan, Harijan, 18 Jan 1942 (from The Essential Writings of Mahatma Gandhi edited by Raghavan Iyer)
I dream, I pray, for non-violence in far away lands. I practice non-violence in my front yard.
I live on a neighborhood street that is used to reach the local high school and other streets that lead out into the city. I spend time in my front yard greeting strangers and neighbors who pass by and I plant shrubbery and trees along the edge of the street to narrow the lanes and slow the speeding traffic.
I compost.
I recycle anything and everything that I can.
I live in a semi-arid land. I dig up the plants that are water hogs, e.g. my lawn, and I plant native plants.
I ride my bicycle to the store.
I have two beautiful foster daughters. Tomorrow, I will visit my locally elected representatives at the state capitol to lobby for continued support for abused and orphaned children as the legislators consider cuts to the budget.
I have an ever expanding garden to grow as much of my food as I can.
I buy local, organic fruits and vegetables whenever it is available.
It's a small start. There is much more that I could do, but I am still at the beginning of this journey.
I dream, I pray, for non-violence in far away lands. I practice non-violence in my front yard.
I live on a neighborhood street that is used to reach the local high school and other streets that lead out into the city. I spend time in my front yard greeting strangers and neighbors who pass by and I plant shrubbery and trees along the edge of the street to narrow the lanes and slow the speeding traffic.
I compost.
I recycle anything and everything that I can.
I live in a semi-arid land. I dig up the plants that are water hogs, e.g. my lawn, and I plant native plants.
I ride my bicycle to the store.
I have two beautiful foster daughters. Tomorrow, I will visit my locally elected representatives at the state capitol to lobby for continued support for abused and orphaned children as the legislators consider cuts to the budget.
I have an ever expanding garden to grow as much of my food as I can.
I buy local, organic fruits and vegetables whenever it is available.
It's a small start. There is much more that I could do, but I am still at the beginning of this journey.
21 March 2011
Fear & Love
"Fear and love are contradictory terms. Love is reckless in giving away, oblivious as to what it gets in return. Love wrestles with the world as with itself and ultimately gains a mastery over all other feelings." - 'From S.S. Rajputana-III' (Letter from M.D.)*, Young India, 1 Oct. 1931 (from The Essential Writings of Mahatma Gandhi edited by Raghavan Iyer)
Fear, I understand. I am a very fearful person and have always been so from my earliest memories. My father used to tell me that there was nothing to be afraid of. This did not help. It only made me feel bad about myself for being weak.
Today, I still have many fears. I fear financial insecurity, even though I have more than enough money. I fear old age and poor health. I fear losing my wife. I fear losing my daughters, biological and foster. I fear strangers. The list goes on and on.
But I have also begun to learn love. I started to learn in my late teens when I decided that for me the most important thing in the universe were children. Much of my adult life has been spent sharing my life with children. This brings me great joy and great sorrow, but mostly great love. I don't know that I have helped any of them, but I know that they have helped me.
It was this love that brought me to non-violence. It takes but a glance at history to see that the greatest victims of violence and greed have always been children. Followed closely, I might add, by the victimization of women.
A world of non-violence, a world of love, would be a world where the least among us would be raised up as the most important and most valued.
* Mahadev Desai published the above extract from a discours given by Gandhi at the evening prayer, during his voyage to London.
Fear, I understand. I am a very fearful person and have always been so from my earliest memories. My father used to tell me that there was nothing to be afraid of. This did not help. It only made me feel bad about myself for being weak.
Today, I still have many fears. I fear financial insecurity, even though I have more than enough money. I fear old age and poor health. I fear losing my wife. I fear losing my daughters, biological and foster. I fear strangers. The list goes on and on.
But I have also begun to learn love. I started to learn in my late teens when I decided that for me the most important thing in the universe were children. Much of my adult life has been spent sharing my life with children. This brings me great joy and great sorrow, but mostly great love. I don't know that I have helped any of them, but I know that they have helped me.
It was this love that brought me to non-violence. It takes but a glance at history to see that the greatest victims of violence and greed have always been children. Followed closely, I might add, by the victimization of women.
A world of non-violence, a world of love, would be a world where the least among us would be raised up as the most important and most valued.
* Mahadev Desai published the above extract from a discours given by Gandhi at the evening prayer, during his voyage to London.
17 March 2011
Libya & Egypt
"Non-violence is the law of our species as violence is the law of the brute. The spirit lies dormant in the brute and he knows no law but that of physical might. The dignity of man requires obedience to a higher law - to the strength of the spirit." - 'The Doctrine of the Sword', Young India, 11 Aug. 1920 (from The Essential Writings of Mahatma Gandhi edited by Raghavan Iyer)
It is with sadness but no surprise that I watch the brief civil uprising in Libya crumble. When the 'protesters' became 'rebels,' the end was in sight. Gadhafi could claim that he was not killing 'civilians' but 'armed insurgents,' and there is enough truth in that to stymie those who would lend aid.
In Egypt, the protesters struggled with how to react to violence from the government. We watched them struggle and we watched them choose non-violence. This choice opened the heart of the world to the Egyptian people.
The situation in Libya is undoubtedly very different from Egypt. I am certain that many, many unarmed, peaceful people would have died in Libya before Gadhafi gave up power. But many people have still died and many more will die. And which ever side in this civil war wins, my heart will go out to the victims of the fighting on both sides, the women and children caught in the middle, and not the victors. My spirit does not go out to the armed men on either side.
The spirit of humanity versus the spirit of the brute.
It is with sadness but no surprise that I watch the brief civil uprising in Libya crumble. When the 'protesters' became 'rebels,' the end was in sight. Gadhafi could claim that he was not killing 'civilians' but 'armed insurgents,' and there is enough truth in that to stymie those who would lend aid.
In Egypt, the protesters struggled with how to react to violence from the government. We watched them struggle and we watched them choose non-violence. This choice opened the heart of the world to the Egyptian people.
The situation in Libya is undoubtedly very different from Egypt. I am certain that many, many unarmed, peaceful people would have died in Libya before Gadhafi gave up power. But many people have still died and many more will die. And which ever side in this civil war wins, my heart will go out to the victims of the fighting on both sides, the women and children caught in the middle, and not the victors. My spirit does not go out to the armed men on either side.
The spirit of humanity versus the spirit of the brute.
08 March 2011
"I Ever Compromise My Own Ideals"
"Achara means the outward mode of living and it can change from time to time. The rules of inner living must remain the same; that is, one should cling to truth, ahimsa, etc. In trying to follow them, we may change the rules of outward mode of living whenever necessary." A Letter (G.), Mahadevbhaini Diary, Vol. I, p. 364
When I first read Gandhi many years ago, one of the first changes I made was to give up my car and begin riding my bicycle for transportation. I felt then, and I still feel today, that in the United States, transportation by automobile is a form of violence. We fight wars for oil for our cars. Tens of thousands are killed on our highways, and hundreds of thousands are injured annually. Our transportation system sub-divides neighbor from neighbor with dead zones of blacktop. Money that could be spent helping the least among us is spent paving paradise and chrome plates our lives. More can be added to the list.
For ten years my wife and I lived without a car. We cycled everywhere we went. To choose this life in an American city means sacrifices. Our daily lives were circumscribed by our limited method of transportation. We were happy with these limits for many years.
And then my life turned in a different direction. My daughter found out she had a medical condition that precluded her from having children. For many years I have worked with teenagers. The prospect of no grandchildren made us rethink our lives. We decided to become foster parents. Teenage girls began to come and live in our home. The foster care system requires trips to family court, to doctors, to therapists, to various and sundry meetings most of which were not in our city, and teenage girls have needs for social lives that are not local. Being without a car was no longer an option.
We own two now. The truth of sharing our home with children without homes has supplanted the truth of not owning a car. I still try and ride my bicycle to the local store and any nearby meetings, but my life now revolves around my girls and not my transportation.
Do I have mixed feelings about this? Of course, but I am comfortable in this decision. It's not perfect. I have had to compromise, but I can live with the compromise.
When I first read Gandhi many years ago, one of the first changes I made was to give up my car and begin riding my bicycle for transportation. I felt then, and I still feel today, that in the United States, transportation by automobile is a form of violence. We fight wars for oil for our cars. Tens of thousands are killed on our highways, and hundreds of thousands are injured annually. Our transportation system sub-divides neighbor from neighbor with dead zones of blacktop. Money that could be spent helping the least among us is spent paving paradise and chrome plates our lives. More can be added to the list.
For ten years my wife and I lived without a car. We cycled everywhere we went. To choose this life in an American city means sacrifices. Our daily lives were circumscribed by our limited method of transportation. We were happy with these limits for many years.
And then my life turned in a different direction. My daughter found out she had a medical condition that precluded her from having children. For many years I have worked with teenagers. The prospect of no grandchildren made us rethink our lives. We decided to become foster parents. Teenage girls began to come and live in our home. The foster care system requires trips to family court, to doctors, to therapists, to various and sundry meetings most of which were not in our city, and teenage girls have needs for social lives that are not local. Being without a car was no longer an option.
We own two now. The truth of sharing our home with children without homes has supplanted the truth of not owning a car. I still try and ride my bicycle to the local store and any nearby meetings, but my life now revolves around my girls and not my transportation.
Do I have mixed feelings about this? Of course, but I am comfortable in this decision. It's not perfect. I have had to compromise, but I can live with the compromise.
02 March 2011
Smarter than a Fifth Grader
"Intellect takes us along in the battle of life to a certain limit but at the crucial moment it fails us. Faith transcends reason. It is when the horizon is the darkest and human reason is beaten down to the ground that faith shines brightest and comes to our rescue." Interview with Dr. John Mott, Young India, 21 Mar. 1929
Exactly which ape is closest to us evolutionarily is a question I am not well educated enough to answer, but that some ape is our evolutionary ancestor, I accept. Since I decided to believe in a higher power many, many years ago, I decided I wasn't going to believe in a God that played tricks, ergo, fossils are what they appear to be, evidence of life on this planet that is billions of years old, and evolution is the best theory for how humans got here. For me, it doesn't diminish the miracle of human life, but enhances it.
I believe we are descended from the apes. How smart is the average chimpanzee?
If apes are our nearest evolutionary ancestors, how bright can we be? 'Intellect takes us along in the battle of life to a certain limit,' and, for me anyway, that limit is a very, very short leash. I'm like a dog chained to a tree. Too often, I run around and around the tree shortening what little leash I have and then stand there howling and barking because I can't figure out how to unwrap myself.
I have struggled for years to fix my worst character defects. Plotting, planning, fighting, conniving, tricking myself into trying to do what I think is right and important, and the results have been utter failure.
When I let go and let God, my life changes for the better.
I can't.
God can.
I think I'll let God.
Exactly which ape is closest to us evolutionarily is a question I am not well educated enough to answer, but that some ape is our evolutionary ancestor, I accept. Since I decided to believe in a higher power many, many years ago, I decided I wasn't going to believe in a God that played tricks, ergo, fossils are what they appear to be, evidence of life on this planet that is billions of years old, and evolution is the best theory for how humans got here. For me, it doesn't diminish the miracle of human life, but enhances it.
I believe we are descended from the apes. How smart is the average chimpanzee?
If apes are our nearest evolutionary ancestors, how bright can we be? 'Intellect takes us along in the battle of life to a certain limit,' and, for me anyway, that limit is a very, very short leash. I'm like a dog chained to a tree. Too often, I run around and around the tree shortening what little leash I have and then stand there howling and barking because I can't figure out how to unwrap myself.
I have struggled for years to fix my worst character defects. Plotting, planning, fighting, conniving, tricking myself into trying to do what I think is right and important, and the results have been utter failure.
When I let go and let God, my life changes for the better.
I can't.
God can.
I think I'll let God.
01 March 2011
The Contribution of Non-Violence
"Dr. Mott: 'What do you consider to be the most valuable contribution that India can make to the progress of the world?
Gandhi: Non-Violence." - Interview with Dr. John Mott, Young India, 21 Mar. 1929
And what a valuable contribution it has been. Gaddafi condemned and sanctioned for killing peaceful civilians. The amazing video of the lone man standing up to the tanks in Tiananmen. Rosa Parks and lunch counters and the Edmund Pettus Bridge. Draft card burners. Labor unionists occupying the Wisconsin State Capital.
The list goes on and on.
And in my own life, my wife and I ride our bicycles for ten years and don't own a car. We decide to become foster parents. I write scripts and novels and poetry that emphasis non-violent methods for resolving problems. (They don't sell, but that's a whole different can of worms.)
I know in these blogs, I have often written about my failings (and they are legion), but there are many, many successes.
And that's why I started and continue this blog. It is one of my daily disciplines to help me remember what is important in my life today. I consider it prayer.
Gandhi: Non-Violence." - Interview with Dr. John Mott, Young India, 21 Mar. 1929
And what a valuable contribution it has been. Gaddafi condemned and sanctioned for killing peaceful civilians. The amazing video of the lone man standing up to the tanks in Tiananmen. Rosa Parks and lunch counters and the Edmund Pettus Bridge. Draft card burners. Labor unionists occupying the Wisconsin State Capital.
The list goes on and on.
And in my own life, my wife and I ride our bicycles for ten years and don't own a car. We decide to become foster parents. I write scripts and novels and poetry that emphasis non-violent methods for resolving problems. (They don't sell, but that's a whole different can of worms.)
I know in these blogs, I have often written about my failings (and they are legion), but there are many, many successes.
And that's why I started and continue this blog. It is one of my daily disciplines to help me remember what is important in my life today. I consider it prayer.
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