They live in my house, but they're not my kids. They are owned by the State of Texas.
My wife and I are 'Professional Parents.' The state hires us to raise their kids.
We wanted a second or third grader. You know...young, cute, malleable, easy, sweet. We wanted a child without parents, a true orphan. Instead they gave us a really angry thirteen year old on heavy medication with a psycho-mother.
And we fell in love.
When a child first comes into your house, you have a couple of days to make sure its a fit. We knew almost immediately when this young lady entered our house that it was a fit. It was like we took one sniff and recognized that this was one of our own children who had been lost to us at birth. Maybe it was just because she was our first. We've never had this experience with any of the other young ladies that have come into our home.
We always come to love the kids in our home. We knew we would. It's just how we're built.
She's been with us for three years and will probably be with us until she graduates high school. Other young ladies have come and gone. Some for short periods, some for long. Some successful - in college. Some failures - handcuffs.
Right now, we have a young lady preparing to graduate high school and go on to college as well as our sixteen year old.
When you take a young person into your house as foster parents, they come with a lot of baggage. And not just the suit case and boxes and bags of stuff. Our lives are filled with judges and lawyers and case managers and case workers and therapists and mothers and siblings. We are inspected twice a month by the state to see that their children are all right. We get inspected by our case manager quarterly to make sure we are conforming to the law. We see two judges at least twice a year. They each visit their mothers semi-regularly. They both see a therapist at least twice a month. It can be a regular three ring circus.
And then there's the medications. Many places that take these kids use medication to control their behavior. Some need it. Many don't. And there's no one to help you figure it out.
It is the best thing we have ever done.
20 April 2011
19 April 2011
Parenting Strangers, part 2 - Thugs & Gangsters
First, a fact - better than 30% of the kids that enter high school do not graduate. It's been that way for a long time.
In the early 90's, I took a job with the City in a youth program that didn't yet exist. The idea was simple. Hire kids who had dropped out, were on probation or parole, and give them a job and teach them primary job skills.
Primary job skills are the stuff most of us understand without being taught; how to show up, how to show up on time, how to dress appropriately, how to take instruction from a supervisor, etc. Stuff we learned because our parents cared enough to send us to school everyday, on time, looking nice, and then asked us in the evening how school went and whether or not we had any homework. Stuff we learned because our parents had jobs.
We hired four kids and we were lucky. The first four were bright and wanted a chance to do something with their lives. They all had rap-sheets as long as your arm and had spent considerable time in juvenile detention. One of them was arrested and sent to prison along with a couple of his buddies for carjacking and killing an old man after he'd been with us for about six months. The other three had jobs, one was married, and they were doing well last time I checked.
My job was to take out a work crew and mow all the Fire Department properties in the city. It's a big city. There are a lot of Fire Stations ranging in size from half an acre to twenty acres. That first year was a challenge. I lead by example.
The program was a success. After a year, we hired more leaders and more kids and took on new jobs.
The City Management was confused. We were successful, i.e., our kids stayed out of jail when they were with us and for long afterwords and organization from all over the country were surprised and envious of our success. But the liability of having large numbers of thugs and gangsters on the city payroll was a strain on their tolerance.
I loved the kids. But the City Management was horrible. So bad, I finally quit in the year 2000.
There were other factors; personal issues and a desire to write.
In the early 90's, I took a job with the City in a youth program that didn't yet exist. The idea was simple. Hire kids who had dropped out, were on probation or parole, and give them a job and teach them primary job skills.
Primary job skills are the stuff most of us understand without being taught; how to show up, how to show up on time, how to dress appropriately, how to take instruction from a supervisor, etc. Stuff we learned because our parents cared enough to send us to school everyday, on time, looking nice, and then asked us in the evening how school went and whether or not we had any homework. Stuff we learned because our parents had jobs.
We hired four kids and we were lucky. The first four were bright and wanted a chance to do something with their lives. They all had rap-sheets as long as your arm and had spent considerable time in juvenile detention. One of them was arrested and sent to prison along with a couple of his buddies for carjacking and killing an old man after he'd been with us for about six months. The other three had jobs, one was married, and they were doing well last time I checked.
My job was to take out a work crew and mow all the Fire Department properties in the city. It's a big city. There are a lot of Fire Stations ranging in size from half an acre to twenty acres. That first year was a challenge. I lead by example.
The program was a success. After a year, we hired more leaders and more kids and took on new jobs.
The City Management was confused. We were successful, i.e., our kids stayed out of jail when they were with us and for long afterwords and organization from all over the country were surprised and envious of our success. But the liability of having large numbers of thugs and gangsters on the city payroll was a strain on their tolerance.
I loved the kids. But the City Management was horrible. So bad, I finally quit in the year 2000.
There were other factors; personal issues and a desire to write.
15 April 2011
Parenting Strangers, part 1 - The Early Years
I began working with children shortly after my 10-month old son died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome in 1982. I was attending the University of Texas after 4 years in the Air Force. I came home one afternoon and got a phone call that my son was in the hospital. By the time I got there, he was pronounced dead.
A few months later, a friend at the Episcopalian/Anglican church we were attending asked if I wanted to teach a Sunday School Class of second graders. I don't know why I said yes. I had volunteered in Headstart during college and the experience was wonderful, and I loved being a Sunday School teacher.
Normally, I am a shy and reclusive person, but in front of a group of children, I am transformed into an outgoing, silly person. I loved that me.
After several years of teaching Sunday School, a voice inside me (I think it was God) began to nudge me toward working with teenagers. I was frightened, but I gave it a try as a volunteer with the youth group at my church. I love the earnestness of teenagers. I love the struggle they have to become individuals, to discover their own unique identity. I love their passion.
And I discovered an honesty in myself that was lacking. To reach teenagers, I had to dig deep into myself. Some of what I found, I didn't like and it took me years to dredge that filth up into the light and let go of it.
I also discovered a wacky sense of humor to which teenagers responded. A line from W.C. Fields always runs through my head. "You take life too seriously. I was only trying to guess your weight." Because teenagers are earnest in the extreme. So many teens think that every little thing in life has great depth and meaning. Life does have depth and meaning, but if I don't laugh, that only leaves crying and I don't cope well when I'm crying.
A few months later, a friend at the Episcopalian/Anglican church we were attending asked if I wanted to teach a Sunday School Class of second graders. I don't know why I said yes. I had volunteered in Headstart during college and the experience was wonderful, and I loved being a Sunday School teacher.
Normally, I am a shy and reclusive person, but in front of a group of children, I am transformed into an outgoing, silly person. I loved that me.
After several years of teaching Sunday School, a voice inside me (I think it was God) began to nudge me toward working with teenagers. I was frightened, but I gave it a try as a volunteer with the youth group at my church. I love the earnestness of teenagers. I love the struggle they have to become individuals, to discover their own unique identity. I love their passion.
And I discovered an honesty in myself that was lacking. To reach teenagers, I had to dig deep into myself. Some of what I found, I didn't like and it took me years to dredge that filth up into the light and let go of it.
I also discovered a wacky sense of humor to which teenagers responded. A line from W.C. Fields always runs through my head. "You take life too seriously. I was only trying to guess your weight." Because teenagers are earnest in the extreme. So many teens think that every little thing in life has great depth and meaning. Life does have depth and meaning, but if I don't laugh, that only leaves crying and I don't cope well when I'm crying.
12 April 2011
Sloth
"But my creed is non-violence under all circumstances. My method is conversion, not coercion; it is self-suffering, not the suffering of the tyrant. I know that method to be infallible. I know that a whole people can adopt it without understanding its philosophy. People generally do not understand the philosophy of all their acts." - 'Independence v. Swaraj,' Young India, 12 Jan. 1928
I'm one of those people who does not understand the philosophy. In fact, for me, philosophy is a dirty word.
I don't often struggle with knowing what the right thing to do is, I struggle with doing it.
That's why I read Gandhi, Dr. King, John Lewis, Dorothy Day, Daniel and Philip Berrigan, and others who think and write about non-violence - to motivate me to action. They know the philosophy much better than I ever could.
My sin is laziness.
I'm one of those people who does not understand the philosophy. In fact, for me, philosophy is a dirty word.
I don't often struggle with knowing what the right thing to do is, I struggle with doing it.
That's why I read Gandhi, Dr. King, John Lewis, Dorothy Day, Daniel and Philip Berrigan, and others who think and write about non-violence - to motivate me to action. They know the philosophy much better than I ever could.
My sin is laziness.
11 April 2011
Duck and Cover II
"I must not contemplate darkness before it stares me in the face. And in no case can I be party, irrespective of non-violence, to a universal strike and capture of power. Though, therefore, I do not know what I should do in the case of a breakdown, I know that the actuality will find me ready with an alternative. My sole reliance being on the living Power which we call God, He will put the alternative in my hands when the time has come, not a minute sooner." - 'Independence,' Harijan, 28 July 1946 (from The Essential Writings of Mahatma Gandhi edited by Raghavan Iyer)
Since my first air raid drill when I was seven, 1962, ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_tKAg5KIuQ), I have contemplated darkness. Even a seven year old knew that nuclear war would be apocalyptic.
By the age of seventeen, I didn't believe I would live to be thirty. Someone would use 'the bomb.' And not just one bomb, but lots and lots and lots of bombs.
Miracles happen. 'The bomb' has never been used...so far.
In this country (USA), politicians talk about the 'third rail' of politics (the 'third rail' refers to a dangerous, not-to-be-touched, train rail between the two main rails that provides electricity for subway systems and the like). By that they mean the government provided social safety net that prevents the elderly, the disabled, and children from starving to death or dying from disease.
My country still has thousands of nuclear bombs buried in corn fields in Kansas. Still has them deep under the oceans in submarines. Still keeps them loaded on airplanes that are flying at the edge of the go/no-go line. No one ever talks about the fact that this country is still prepared to destroy the planet on a moments notice.
This is not the third rail of American politics. This is buried in our backyard.
There I go again, contemplating darkness.
Miracles happen.
I believe with Gandhi, that God will put alternatives in our hands and until then, I must learn to hope and I must work for peace.
Since my first air raid drill when I was seven, 1962, ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_tKAg5KIuQ), I have contemplated darkness. Even a seven year old knew that nuclear war would be apocalyptic.
By the age of seventeen, I didn't believe I would live to be thirty. Someone would use 'the bomb.' And not just one bomb, but lots and lots and lots of bombs.
Miracles happen. 'The bomb' has never been used...so far.
In this country (USA), politicians talk about the 'third rail' of politics (the 'third rail' refers to a dangerous, not-to-be-touched, train rail between the two main rails that provides electricity for subway systems and the like). By that they mean the government provided social safety net that prevents the elderly, the disabled, and children from starving to death or dying from disease.
My country still has thousands of nuclear bombs buried in corn fields in Kansas. Still has them deep under the oceans in submarines. Still keeps them loaded on airplanes that are flying at the edge of the go/no-go line. No one ever talks about the fact that this country is still prepared to destroy the planet on a moments notice.
This is not the third rail of American politics. This is buried in our backyard.
There I go again, contemplating darkness.
Miracles happen.
I believe with Gandhi, that God will put alternatives in our hands and until then, I must learn to hope and I must work for peace.
07 April 2011
Vote
"The country does need politicians." - 'Advice to Constructive Workers' (G.), Biharni Komi Agman, pp. 346-7 (from The Essential Writings of Mahatma Gandhi edited by Raghavan Iyer)
I vote. I think it is a citizen's duty to vote.
Many in my country who voted for Barack Obama have been disappointed. I am not one of those. I voted for Obama and he is exactly what I expected, a politician. I hoped he would be something different, but I did not expect it, and so I am not disappointed.
Rarely in history has voting changed anything. And when voting has changed things, more often than not, it has been a change for the worse.
Sounds cynical, I know, and perhaps it is, but reliance on someone else to change things, rather than being the change I want to see, doesn't seem sensible.
I was familiar with civil disobedience and non-cooperation from the civil rights protests in my country in the sixties, but it was Gandhi's ideas about the Constructive Programme that struck me as truly revolutionary. It is the part of Gandhi's vision that my country does not really know or understand, and for me it is what can make real change a reality, right here and right now.
I vote. I think it is a citizen's duty to vote.
Many in my country who voted for Barack Obama have been disappointed. I am not one of those. I voted for Obama and he is exactly what I expected, a politician. I hoped he would be something different, but I did not expect it, and so I am not disappointed.
Rarely in history has voting changed anything. And when voting has changed things, more often than not, it has been a change for the worse.
Sounds cynical, I know, and perhaps it is, but reliance on someone else to change things, rather than being the change I want to see, doesn't seem sensible.
I was familiar with civil disobedience and non-cooperation from the civil rights protests in my country in the sixties, but it was Gandhi's ideas about the Constructive Programme that struck me as truly revolutionary. It is the part of Gandhi's vision that my country does not really know or understand, and for me it is what can make real change a reality, right here and right now.
04 April 2011
Weapon of Massive Consumption*
I am a 'victim' of American culture. Okay, 'victim' is not the right word. Mass consumer would be more accurate.
If you peruse previous blog posts you will find quotes from, besides Gandhi, Will Rogers and Sheryl Crow and who knows who else.
I love old movies, Theodora goes Wild, The Awful Truth, everything by the Marx Brothers, and new movies, Little Miss Sunshine, Despicable Me. My iTunes playlist has the lastest songs, Hayes Carll - KMAG YOYO, Arcade Fire - Ready to Start, Baaba Maal - International and classics from the 30's and 40's, Helen Kane - I Wanna be Loved by You, Judy Garland - The Boy Next Door. I've watched television since it was invented. At fourteen my best friend and I found, in a neighbors trash, three years worth of Playboy Magazines which we divided evenly and I kept under my mattress for years. I have been an admire of the female form ever since. I've studied Aristophanes and Dostoyevsky and Edgar Rice Burroughs and George Bernard Shaw and Samuel Beckett. I collected comedy records, Nichols and May, Bill Cosby, George Carlin. And all this stuff and much more filters into my thoughts, speech, actions, and writings. And I am proud of that. And many, many of these things inspire, excite, and energize me.
I love good food and I love cooking good food from all over the world, India, Mexico, Iraq, Italy, South Africa. My wife feels loved when I provide delicious meals for our family. I get joy from providing hospitality for friends and strangers. Breaking bread with friends, family, and strangers is a spiritual experience.
My spirituality is a mish-mash, part Native American, part Christian, part Buddhist, part Jewish, part stuff that I've decided to believe entirely on my own. (The missing matter in the universe is comprised of Angels.)
Would Gandhi approve? No.
But I don't apologize for any of this.
I believe that God, the Great Father, the Creator, a power greater than myself, put me on this earth, here and now, because he wants my help to change the world for the better. Well, 'me' is all these things and more.
And the people, children, that I was put here to help don't want some ascetic who knows nothing of the world. They want people who can help them understand where they are, where they came from, what's going on around them, and the problems that they have to overcome.
And I believe in non-violence. Without reservation.
God uses me as I am.
*from the song The Fear by Lily Allen.
If you peruse previous blog posts you will find quotes from, besides Gandhi, Will Rogers and Sheryl Crow and who knows who else.
I love old movies, Theodora goes Wild, The Awful Truth, everything by the Marx Brothers, and new movies, Little Miss Sunshine, Despicable Me. My iTunes playlist has the lastest songs, Hayes Carll - KMAG YOYO, Arcade Fire - Ready to Start, Baaba Maal - International and classics from the 30's and 40's, Helen Kane - I Wanna be Loved by You, Judy Garland - The Boy Next Door. I've watched television since it was invented. At fourteen my best friend and I found, in a neighbors trash, three years worth of Playboy Magazines which we divided evenly and I kept under my mattress for years. I have been an admire of the female form ever since. I've studied Aristophanes and Dostoyevsky and Edgar Rice Burroughs and George Bernard Shaw and Samuel Beckett. I collected comedy records, Nichols and May, Bill Cosby, George Carlin. And all this stuff and much more filters into my thoughts, speech, actions, and writings. And I am proud of that. And many, many of these things inspire, excite, and energize me.
I love good food and I love cooking good food from all over the world, India, Mexico, Iraq, Italy, South Africa. My wife feels loved when I provide delicious meals for our family. I get joy from providing hospitality for friends and strangers. Breaking bread with friends, family, and strangers is a spiritual experience.
My spirituality is a mish-mash, part Native American, part Christian, part Buddhist, part Jewish, part stuff that I've decided to believe entirely on my own. (The missing matter in the universe is comprised of Angels.)
Would Gandhi approve? No.
But I don't apologize for any of this.
I believe that God, the Great Father, the Creator, a power greater than myself, put me on this earth, here and now, because he wants my help to change the world for the better. Well, 'me' is all these things and more.
And the people, children, that I was put here to help don't want some ascetic who knows nothing of the world. They want people who can help them understand where they are, where they came from, what's going on around them, and the problems that they have to overcome.
And I believe in non-violence. Without reservation.
God uses me as I am.
*from the song The Fear by Lily Allen.
02 April 2011
Lock and Load
"We forget the principle of non-violence, which is the essence of all religions. The doctrine of arms stands for irreligion." -'Satyagraha - Not Passive Resistance' (H.), Ramchandra Varma, Mahatma Gandhi, about 2 September 1917 (from The Essential Writings of Mahatma Gandhi edited by Raghavan Iyer)
I am no saint. I grew up playing Cowboys and Indians (the Native American kind) with plastic guns. I owned plastic armies of men and tanks. I have played video games where gun mayhem was the chief objective.
As a boy, I went to a summer camp with a shooting range. I enjoyed target shooting and was pretty good at it. My father hunted game birds with a shotgun and bought me a gun and took me on a number of hunting outings. I never shot anything, although, I would have if the opportunity had ever arisen. In the Air Force, I was trained to shoot an M-16 rifle. I was a very good shot and received a Marksman's ribbon.
I am not squeamish about guns, although, I don't own any. And while I cannot conceive of any reason why someone would feel they needed to own a gun, I have no desire to tell someone that they cannot own a gun.
A new law was recently passed in one state (Iowa) of the United States. The law makes it permissible to carry a gun out in the open. In fact, in the United States, only seven states do not permit some level of 'open carry.' In twelve states, there is no licensing or permit needed to carry a gun in the open. The only restriction are to criminals and the mentally ill. Many Americans think this makes them safer.
We have a saying in this country, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." This is certainly true, however, guns make it much, much, much easier. An impulsive act, a fit of anger, a strange thought, a slight misjudgment, can lead almost instantly to someone's death if a gun is strapped to a hip or on the seat of a car.
Yes, people can be stabbed with a knife, but this act has to be up close and personal. It takes time to stab someone. Even in a crowd. Not so a gun.
Bang, bang, bang. Three dead. One second.
Hope there were no innocent bystanders.
I just can't see Jesus "packin' heat."
I am no saint. I grew up playing Cowboys and Indians (the Native American kind) with plastic guns. I owned plastic armies of men and tanks. I have played video games where gun mayhem was the chief objective.
As a boy, I went to a summer camp with a shooting range. I enjoyed target shooting and was pretty good at it. My father hunted game birds with a shotgun and bought me a gun and took me on a number of hunting outings. I never shot anything, although, I would have if the opportunity had ever arisen. In the Air Force, I was trained to shoot an M-16 rifle. I was a very good shot and received a Marksman's ribbon.
I am not squeamish about guns, although, I don't own any. And while I cannot conceive of any reason why someone would feel they needed to own a gun, I have no desire to tell someone that they cannot own a gun.
A new law was recently passed in one state (Iowa) of the United States. The law makes it permissible to carry a gun out in the open. In fact, in the United States, only seven states do not permit some level of 'open carry.' In twelve states, there is no licensing or permit needed to carry a gun in the open. The only restriction are to criminals and the mentally ill. Many Americans think this makes them safer.
We have a saying in this country, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." This is certainly true, however, guns make it much, much, much easier. An impulsive act, a fit of anger, a strange thought, a slight misjudgment, can lead almost instantly to someone's death if a gun is strapped to a hip or on the seat of a car.
Yes, people can be stabbed with a knife, but this act has to be up close and personal. It takes time to stab someone. Even in a crowd. Not so a gun.
Bang, bang, bang. Three dead. One second.
Hope there were no innocent bystanders.
I just can't see Jesus "packin' heat."
01 April 2011
Children - The Number One Threat to National Security
"Its use (Passive Resistance*), therefore, is, I think, indisputable, and it is a force which, if it became universal, would revolutionize social ideals and do away with despotisms and the ever-growing militarism under which the nations of the West are groaning and are being almost crushed to death, and which fairly promises to overwhelm even the nations of the East." -'Theory and Practice of Passive Resistance,' Indian Opinion, Golden Number, 1 Dec. 1914 (from The Essential Writings of Mahatma Gandhi edited by Raghavan Iyer)
As I watch my country try to balance it's budget by slashing money for children, the poor, and the sick, and I hear almost no voices talking about reducing the number of soldiers, guns, bombs, and weapons of mass destruction, I can only hang my head in shame. The richest nation in the world can keep enough nuclear weapons to destroy the world several times over, can develop the most high-tech weaponry for the slaughter of other human beings, can fight three wars, but won't take care of it's own neglected, abused, and orphaned children.
And the irony is, that even if they cut every dollar for every child in this country, we would still have a massive debt because of the money we spend on military weapons to abuse, orphan, or kill other people's children.
Apparently the politicians in this country consider children to be the biggest threat to our nation's security.
This is not higher mathematics. You don't have to be a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon to figure this stuff out.
The truth is that the politicians in this country are liars and we want to be lied to. If we didn't want that, we would stop voting for these people. And it's not one party or the other. Both parties are in this together.
The Policy of the United States of America: Neglect, Abuse, Orphan, and Kill Children - ours, other peoples, doesn't matter.
Neglect, Abuse, Orphan, and Kill Children.
*Gandhi explained earlier in the quoted article that the term 'Passive Resistance' was really a misnomer for what he called satyagraha, Truth-Force and what Tolstoy called Soul-Force or Love-Force.
As I watch my country try to balance it's budget by slashing money for children, the poor, and the sick, and I hear almost no voices talking about reducing the number of soldiers, guns, bombs, and weapons of mass destruction, I can only hang my head in shame. The richest nation in the world can keep enough nuclear weapons to destroy the world several times over, can develop the most high-tech weaponry for the slaughter of other human beings, can fight three wars, but won't take care of it's own neglected, abused, and orphaned children.
And the irony is, that even if they cut every dollar for every child in this country, we would still have a massive debt because of the money we spend on military weapons to abuse, orphan, or kill other people's children.
Apparently the politicians in this country consider children to be the biggest threat to our nation's security.
This is not higher mathematics. You don't have to be a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon to figure this stuff out.
The truth is that the politicians in this country are liars and we want to be lied to. If we didn't want that, we would stop voting for these people. And it's not one party or the other. Both parties are in this together.
The Policy of the United States of America: Neglect, Abuse, Orphan, and Kill Children - ours, other peoples, doesn't matter.
Neglect, Abuse, Orphan, and Kill Children.
*Gandhi explained earlier in the quoted article that the term 'Passive Resistance' was really a misnomer for what he called satyagraha, Truth-Force and what Tolstoy called Soul-Force or Love-Force.
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